Can you believe its already the middle of October?!
Is it feeling like fall where you are yet? It definitely isn’t here in my little corner of Arkansas—it’s still 80+ degrees most days. 🫠 I’m so ready for it to feel like fall!
Last week, I shared the most of Myla’s birth story.
This week, I’ll share the rest.
I left off at 2:30am on Thursday morning, June 19, 2025.
Myla had made her arrival - but I didn’t know what to expect. What would a stillborn baby look like? It was both just like I thought and nothing like I thought.
Such a mix of emotions! The oxytocin high of a (mostly) unmedicated birth coupled with the devastating loss of never hearing her cry, or smile, or learning her personality.
All I could do was cry when they laid her on my chest for the first time. Skin-to-skin contact not only helps the baby, but also helps the mom’s bleeding, pass the placenta, and regulating hormones. It was simultaneously so beautiful and so so so hard…
For only being 33 weeks gestation (and stopped growing at 32), she was so big! Definitely not anywhere near as small as I had imagined. She was 3 lbs, 12 oz—exactly a pound smaller than the ultrasound had guessed—but already 17 inches long! She truly looked and felt like a full-term baby, which I feel has made coming to terms with everything so much harder.
Ian and I spent the next 2.5 hours or so taking turns holding her. It passed in a blur. It seems like such a long time, but I was so out of it that I hardly remember any details. I just remember that it took FOREVER to birth the placenta. With my first two kids, it only took a few minutes, but with Myla it took that whole 2.5 hours.
To birth the placenta requires that final release—moms are usually eager for it, ready to hold their baby and settle in. In my case, my body (and my heart) just didn’t want to let go. Maybe that’s why it took so long.
Anyway, we had texted the family when she arrived, and Leslie, my doula, had called my mom and Ian’s mom. They all arrived around 4:30am, I think? It’s all such a haze.
One funny little memory I’ll always keep: one of my sisters had to literally go bang on my brother and sister-in-law’s door to wake them up, since they had our kids. We were going to let them in first—but they had to be there! Even though the situation was tragic, that moment still makes me smile.
So, now it’s 5 am, and Ian went to go get the kids from the waiting room. The next two hours were so precious. Those who wanted to hold Myla did. The kids got to meet her. We all held each other and cried.
Kyler and Bri meeting Myla - they were only half awake, bless them. They did so good though!
It was so hard having to answer their questions about why Myla wasn’t coming home. I don’t think they realized she wasn’t alive - they had never seen a newborn before, so I think they thought she was sleeping.
Leslie took some pictures for us. I had planned to at least do my hair and look halfway presentable—but that definitely didn’t happen! Because it took SO LONG to birth the placenta, I only had time for a quick shower. 😅
Bri and Teke (Ian's mom) having a moment with Myla
One moment I’ll never forget was when everyone but my parents had left. Ian was holding Myla and began to cry again. I went over and sat next to him, and we cried together. Then, through his tears, he began to sing:
“Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him, all creatures here below. Praise Him above, ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.”
The raw devastation broke me, but the praise and hope in those words—and the fact that Ian was singing them—brought a profound peace to my wounded soul.
One of my favorite photos 💔
Out of the ashes, God can create something beautiful. His peace and His presence truly filled the room in that moment. God truly will give you a peace that passes all understanding in the midst of heartache.
He IS with us.
He DOES love us - He loves YOU.
By the time everyone had a moment with Myla it was 7am. The family went home to sleep, and we were told we could leave whenever we were ready. Ian and I hadn’t really slept since 2:30am Wednesday morning, so we were beyond exhausted - both physically and emotionally. We both took a short nap.
Apparently, the OB came in while we were sleeping, but they let us sleep. I woke up around 9am, and just laid there, debating on whether to wake Ian. I didn’t want to walk across the room, but just as I decided to wake him, the nurse came in and did it for me.
That’s another little moment that makes me smile—he was so out of it when he woke up! He was answering questions we didn’t ask, wandering around the room, and finally said, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” where he took a minute to wake up. 😂 The nurse asked if she should come back once he was more awake, and I said yes, please!
We packed up and planned to leave after taking pictures. Around 10:30 a.m., a photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation came and took some photos for us.
One of the photos from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer
After talking with the nurse about next steps, we decided to wait for the funeral home to come for Myla. We weren’t sure if wanted to, but decided we would regret it if we didn’t stay. I’m so glad we did—because another little “God thing” happened.
The man who came from the funeral home turned out to be a good friend of Ian’s brother from childhood. They had so many fond memories with his family. Knowing Myla was going with someone he knew brought such comfort.
Everything about the way it was handled was perfect. He repeatedly said we can take our time, didn’t rush anything, answered all our questions, and gave us space to say one last goodbye.
One of my favorite touches was that instead of something sterile, he placed Myla in the sweetest little Moses basket. We both knew she was in gentle hands.
That was the hardest part - saying goodbye. We know we’ll see her again in heaven, but it was so hard to say goodbye knowing we won’t get to raise her here on Earth.
We finally left the hospital around 12:30pm. There was one more little God-moment before we got home. ☺️
We were both starving, and I was CRAVING breakfast food, so we decided to go to a local restaurant that I had never been to, but was always super busy. God knew I needed to get in and out, and He provided a FRONT ROW parking spot, and ZERO wait time. It was truly a miracle! God’s hand has been right in the middle of every part of Myla’s story, from the day of conception to the day we said goodbye, and it continues to show up as we walk this road. I don’t know why things like this happen. I don’t know why it had to happen to us.
But I do know this: God has already used Myla’s short life to make a difference—to bring comfort, to point others to hope—and I’m thankful for that.
I wish this hadn’t had to be in our story, but I am so thankful that God is redeeming it and walking through it with us, just like He promised.
Thank you so much for reading and following along in our story.
Myla’s funeral was beautiful and perfect. If you ever want to watch, just reply to this email—I’d be honored to share the link.
Know that you are not alone.
If you are walking through loss and heartache, God hears you. There are no words that make it better, but He can handle your hurt, your pain, your meltdowns, and even your anger.
He knows. He’s truly been there.
Sometimes I still get mad at God. It’s not fair. Why me? But ultimately, it’s been Him that has helped me through it.
We mourn, but not without hope.
If you don’t know Jesus and would like to know more, please reply! I’d love to chat.
And if you’d like to share your own story, I’d be honored to hear it. It’s hard, but sometimes it’s healing to let someone else in.
That concludes Myla’s story—sort of. She will always be a part of me, and my grieving journey has just begun. But now you’ve met her, and you’ve seen a glimpse of my summer and how it has shaped me. 🩷
Moving forward, I’ll continue to share snippets of life, navigating grief, family, and work—but also more of what I’m learning, working on, and loving. I hope you stick around!
I’m especially excited for next week—when I finally get to share what I’ve been working on!
As always,Learn something new every day.
Mrs. Holman
P.S. If you missed the beginning of this series, and would like to catch up, you can read it here.
